


what feels like family

by silenceandtears



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: ...., Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Happy, I LOVE JASON GRACE OKAY, I SWEAR I'LL FIX THIS MESS, I might add a second chapter with little snapshots of their time there though, I think I need to be more formal in these tags, I'm projecting with school, I'm so tired, Jason is Alive in My Heart Okay, M/M, Okay I'm posting this now and editing it later so, THEY'RE ALL FRIENDS FIGHT ME, ah pain! ah misery! i have not missed you, and then they aLL GO TO UNIVERSITYYY, because they're in a different universe and haven't gone through the exact same things, coffee is my only friend, except they don't actually go to university? it's more hinted at, free I guess?, help help help, i think???, like... I mean it starts in high school, my children, no please don't I'm a delicate eldritch coffee being, slightly OOC, so they're more, uh soooorta Piper/Jason? it can still be interpreted platonic though, watch how many times I can say 'nico cursed' instead of 'nico said eff you'
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24381940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silenceandtears/pseuds/silenceandtears
Summary: In snapshots: Nico discovers the True Meaning of Family and the Power of Friendship, and perhaps it's not quite as terrible as he always thought it'd be.(He's still not letting Leo near the AC again.)
Relationships: Background Percy Jackson/Annabeth Chase, Nico di Angelo & Jason Grace, Nico di Angelo/Will Solace
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	what feels like family

**Author's Note:**

> im so tired I just simplified sqrt8 as four sqrt two help

He meets Jason Perfect-Grades-Football-Team-Blonde-Hair-Blue-Eyes-This-Feels-Like-an-Anime Grace in seventh grade when he punches Percy Jackson in the face.

It's stupid, looking back on it. He can't remember what happened- no, he does, Percy was smiling. Percy was smiling, and it was a year and three months and twelve days since Bianca's heart had stopped beating on the monitor at the hospital because of Percy Jackson, and Nico hated that smile just as much as he loved it, which, ridiculously, reminded him of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, _he hates the Ring, as he loves it-_

Anyways.

He'd been sitting with Annabeth and Grover, because he always sat with them. Nico had sat alone, because he always sat alone. And then Percy had laughed, at something Annabeth had said, and he had said, voice rising above the constant buzz of all the other tables,

_yeah, yeah, we know, you're better than everyone here, Wise Girl-_

(better)

(better than everyone)

(better than Nico)

And Percy had laughed a little like the stupid sun, dimples at the corners at his mouth and bright bright eyes, and Nico wondered a little what it would be like to kiss that mouth, and then he hated Percy and he hated Annabeth and he hated the white of the lunch tables and he hated the empty seat beside him where Bianca used to sit, and he hated the world but most of all he hated himself. And then he got up and walked over and punched Percy Jackson in the face.

He thinks he remembers Clarisse yelling, _get him, di Angelo,_ and Grover yelping and Annabeth standing up fast and angry and Chiron beginning to wheel over and voices rising, and he remembers Percy looking at him, surprised, startled, still half smiling, face lit by the warm gold-brown autumn sun from the windows. And then, because Nico was already there anyways, he drew back his fist to punch him again, but a hand caught his wrist.

He'd turned, expecting Annabeth's glare or Chiron, but Jason looked down at him, calm and put together, a little pocket of coolness in the messy chaos of the world, and somehow that was almost as bad as looking at Percy. He tried to punch him with his other hand, but Jason caught that one, too.

"I'll handle this," he said, to Chiron, and to Percy, "go to the nurse, bro."

"Get off me," Nico had snarled, here, here is someone to vent and rage _I will kill you I will kill you I will kill you all and then I will kill myself_ "get _off_ me!"

"Come on, di Angelo," Jason had said, then, and Nico had never wanted to kill someone quite so much except perhaps his father. "Come on, it's fine, let's talk this through, yeah?"

* * *

Jason Grace is a saint and Nico sometimes hates him for it.

Everyone's a saint compared to Nico, really.

(he told hazel that, once. he thinks he might have been drunk, and maybe a little sad, like he always was, and a little scared, like he always was.

"you're all saints compared to me, hazel," he had said, half slurring, and if he still remembered how to he might have cried,

"oh, nico," she had whispered, "no one's a saint, we just do our best, and you're doing the best you can."

it had been very quiet then, just the two of them, the pale blue light of the TV low, sitting on that stupid ugly couch leo and percy had bought by accident, just the two of them, everyone else asleep- hazel and nico, the two of them folded into the night.)

* * *

That is how he meets Jason Grace.

"Hey, hey," Jason says, blinking, "calm down, okay? What happened?"

Nico curses at him. He's angry. He's angry. He wishes he could be angry. It's too cold, and he hates Percy Jackson and he hates Jason Grace and he wants them both to die but he hates himself most of all, hates himself, hates himself, and he wants to die. He wants to die.

"I want to die," he says suddenly aloud, and he means it to come of defiant and strong but it's small and sad and splintering apart at the edges, an already rotting log slammed too hard against the ground. He says it again, to try and fix it. "I want to die." 

It's still not good enough. Nothing ever is.

* * *

(bianca, bianca, bianca.)

(if he says it once, it sounds sad. if he repeats it three times, he thinks he could will her back to life. and if he says it five times, it starts to sound like six letters thrown together, an empty glass container.

he tells it to the mirror three times every day in the morning, _bianca bianca bianca,_ and if he stares very hard at the air just above his left shoulder, he thinks he can see her smile.)

* * *

Jason thinks about that.

"Do you have a plan for how you'd do that?" he asks, and this is how it feels like to be given up on. Nico should probably get used to it.

"I'm not going to tell you," Nico says, the last soldier raising his gun because even if he's lost he still has his pride.

"Okay," Jason says, "that's okay. Do you want to sit?"

He sits, and then spreads his letterman jacket on the ground next to him, belatedly, and then pats it. Looks up at Nico. "It's clean, I washed it last night," he says. Nico, ridiculously, wants to laugh. "We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. You like Math? Let's talk about Math."

And Nico is so, so tired.

_Okay,_ he thinks.

"Okay," he whispers.

And he sits.

* * *

People avoid him at lunch the next day. They always do, of course, except now even Percy does and if Nico weren't so tired he'd be sad.

"Can I sit here?" Jason asks, at lunch the next day, and Nico stops twisting at his ring to look up.

The sky is blue. The trees are dry, and brown, and glow when they catch in the sun as they fall. They rattle against the sidewalk when the wind blows the way Nico's hands rattle against nothing, really.

He's very cold, but he can still be angry.

"I'm not your charity case, Grace," he snaps, except with more cursing. Unbelievably, improbably, ridiculously, Jason grins.

"Hey, that rhymed!" he says, delighted, and Nico stares.

"Okay, I'm sitting here," Jason announces. He waves at Piper and Leo, staring from two tables over. Leo mimes throwing his textbook at him. Piper waves back. Nico glares and Jason, in all his effusively smiling glory, sits.

"So, Math," he begins, clasping his hands together like some particularly enthusiastic therapist.

"Leave me _alone_ ," Nico snarls. "You never cared before, why the hell would you care now?" He wants to get up, wants to storm away, but then people would stare even more and he hates it, he hates it, he wants to claw their eyes out and he wants to claw at himself, claw away all the parts no one ever loved. What would be left, after that?

Bianca loved you, but Bianca's dead.

"Okay," Jason says, his voice grating and too much,

"Shut up," Nico snarls.

"Okay," Jason says again, more softly. Nico thinks he's going to go. Nico thinks that doesn't make him nearly as relieved as it should.

Jason doesn't talk for the rest of lunch, but he doesn't go, just takes out an extra sandwich from his backpack and puts it in front of Nico. Nico doesn't touch it.

"I'm don't eat lunch," he says, half whispers, when the warning bell rings. "You shouldn't bring extra food for me."

Stupid, stupid, stupid. It was a one time thing, and now he's going to think he's clingy god he's messed up he's messed up-

Jason squints at him from behind his glasses. The sun catches the edge of the lens, turns it gold.

"Okay, but what about snacks?" he asks, "you like cheese?"

* * *

(nico does not, in fact, like cheese, but when jason brings him some the next day at lunch, he thinks that maybe it's not terrible.)

* * *

"What's your favorite subject?" Jason asks, a week after he's officially migrated to Nico's Uncool Table.

During this week, he has brought Nico:

\- a sandwich

\- cheese

\- more cheese

\- carrots

\- a cake, for no reason other than that he was practicing baking and he thought Nico might like to try some

\- cheese

\- himself

And Nico's young, and desperate, and sad, and he doesn't even have to do anything this time, just sit there and Jason will come to him,

"Science. Math. They're okay. I hate everything," Nico snaps. Jason laughs, a little surprised.

"I like Math," he says, "and Science. And Language Arts, and Gym, and History, and Art-"

"That's literally all the subjects you take, Grace," Nico points out. He doesn't mean it to come out the way it does, dry and- and less angry than usual. He meant it to be scathing, and angry. He meant it to be angry.

He wonders if he should fix it, but before he can decide, Jason's talking again.

"Well, I guess!" He beams. "But they're all so interesting, and isn't it nice to discover things?"

"No," Nico says flatly. "Also, I think you came out an anime."

Jason grins. "That's what Leo says! Do you watch any? I know a little about some of them from what Leo tells me. Actually, can Leo join us on Monday? And maybe Piper? They're not that bad, I promise, except if they are I'll kick them out and never let them back again. At least, Piper won't be that bad. Leo I can make no promises. He might try to start a food fight."

"You're rambling, Grace," Nico says. "Your voice is irritating."

"Right!" Jason says, "Right, right, sorry! Can I hug y- okay, that expressions a definite no-"

"Fine," Nico says, suddenly, if just to stop Jason from looking so nervous. It makes him feel like he's kicking a puppy. "But no food fights."

"No food fights," Jason promises, and then he yells over to the next table, "LEO! NO FOOD FIGHTS!"

"DAMMIT, GRACE!" Leo yells back, and Piper rubs her face.

" _Males_ ," she tell the lunch table, "I'm sorry you have to put up with so many."

Nico's nervous again. No. He's not nervous. Why would he be nervous? He can just punch them if things get weird. 

Right. Right, right, right.

Angry. Angry, not nervous.

(Maybe he is a little angry, but he thinks he might feel a little less sad.)

* * *

"Di Angelo!" and Nico jumps.

(don't get attached, he reminds himself. sticky notes everywhere, pasted across percy's face and the cookies jason brought him today, pasted across leo's smile and piper's eyes- don't get attached, scratched in bleeding black ink over and over and over-)

(don't get attached. when you don't care, you don't hurt.)

"So, anime and Jason," Leo says, beaming. His hands are jumping up and down. His fidget cube has Pokemon stickers on it. It's bright red. "You watch Haikyuu?"

"Leo, no," Piper says kindly.

"Hey, okay, listen, Beauty Queen, when di Angelo decides to kill us all he'll spare me just so he has someone to talk to about anime _without judging him_ -"

"Eat your cookies, Leo," Jason says, and Leo brightens.

(it's warm. his hands don't shake as much today,)

(leo doesn't start a food fight. percy smiles at him, the first time since last week, hesitant and a little unsure, but,)

(it's warm.)

* * *

Hades doesn't talk to him anymore, unless they argue.

Nico likes to blame all the bad parts of himself on Hades. He likes to blame his anger, and the way he sometimes doesn't talk, and everything except for Bianca. 

(he blames percy for that.)

He's tired of being angry, some days. Most days. Or he's just tired.

Perhaps he should let his anger go, but he thinks, some days-most days-all days that the anger is all there is left of him. He thinks, some days-most days-all days that if he let it go, he'd be empty. He thinks he's afraid of that. He thinks that's weak. He thinks he hates himself.

(he thinks, some days, some nights, that he doesn't care.)

* * *

"- Calculate the velocity of the ball if it is thrown at a constant- YOU CAN CALCULATE THE VELOCITY OF THIS HOMEWORK AS IT SAILS OUT THE WINDOW-"

"Leo, oh my god, this is a _library-"_

Nico frowns at them. "You're all idiots," he decides.

"Ja- _sonnn,_ " Leo complains, "Nico called us idiots!"

"Nico, don't call people idiots," Jason says, without looking up from his laptop. "Sometimes the truth isn't the right thing to say."

Leo splutters and falls off the table. Nico thinks that whoever said Jason Grace can't be mean is a liar. Piper laughs.

"Jason, have I ever told you I love you?"

"Mmm. Once or twice."

"Jason Grace, I love you."

"Love you too, Pipes."

"Awww," Leo coos. His legs kick in the air. "Now, I hate to interrupt this lovely moment, but someone's gotta help me up, 'cause my noodle arms sure ain't doing it!"

Jason laughs and goes to pull him up, and Piper shoves Leo into a headlock, and Leo pushes her off, yelping about _shortphobia_ , and everything is warm.

* * *

It's-

Nice.

It's nice.

He thinks this as he counts the number of crumbs on the lunchtable. Piper and Leo are arguing over what shad of blue Jason's eyes are.

Jason and Leo and Piper hang out by themselves sometimes, too. But sometimes it's just Jason and Nico, and he grins at him and makes him do his homework, and sometimes it's just Piper and Nico, and she'll laugh and complain about _other boys, Nico, you're the only decent one in this whole grade_ , and Leo's still nervous about him but it turns out the endless hole that is anime makes for excellent conversation.

_Don't get attached,_ Nico-Brain warns.

_Ah, shut up,_ Nico-Brain snaps. 

_They're just like anyone else._

_They're kind._

_Father was kind once too,_ Nico-Brain reminds.

_SHUT UP,_ Nico-Brain yells, suddenly, and he gets up and leaves and he can hear them calling after him and he can hear them staring but he needs out he needs out he needs out-

(the hallways are too empty it's cold it's so cold)

(why are the lights so bright, stop it stop it _stop it_ -)

(HE WANTS HE WANTS HE WANTS)

(WARMTH AND PAIN AND HE WANTS HE WANTS LOVE)

(SOME PART OF HIM CRAVES THE COLD)

_(STOP IT-)_

He locks himself in the bathroom, and hugs himself, nails digging into his arms, a twisted caricature of warmth. 

(he is angry and sad and small, too small to do anything, and he's so, so tired)

~~breathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathe~~

Inhale. Hold. His breath burns against his lungs.

(what will be left of me, when I scrape all the cold and rage away?)

He kneels, hunched around himself, rests his head against his knees. His breath is still held, tense across his chest; eyes squeezed shut and shoulders clenched high-

_Bianca,_ and it rises out of the seething dark of his mind, startling clear, cold hands on his neck, _Bianca..._

He wants to cry, but it's a faraway thing now. He doesn't remember how.

Bianca, Bianca, Bianca. How long will he remember her face? How many freckles were across her nose, what was the colour of her eyes? How long was her hair? Did she have dimples when she smiled?

(bianca, bianca, bianca. her name is the rise and fall of waves at the back of his mind.)

"Nico? Nico? You there?"

Nico's breath is a vulnerable thing, held stuttered in his chest, caged bird and broken wings. It shudders.

"So..." the voice says. He knows that voice. He loves that voice. He hates that voice. But he's tired, and so he listens. "Uh, I saw you rush out, and Jason was going to go after you, but I stopped him because I was like, 'bro, I've known him longer,' and Jason was like, 'bro, he punched you like, _last week,_ ' and I was like, 'okay, bro, _point,_ but we don't have time for logic right now,' and he was like, 'bro.' And then I figured you were probably in the bathroom. Jason's like, my broddy. Get it? Bro? Buddy? Damn, I should get extra points in English for that. Anyways, he's a good guy. I'm glad you two are friends now."

Nico's breath shivers, hitches, jumps, and then lets go.

"Also, about you punching me, it's cool. Like, at least now I have a story to tell people, y'know? Like-" he deepens his voice, "'-hey, man, why's your nose so ugly? Huh? Huh?' and I'll go, 'it's 'cause I got in a _fistfight_ , man! Now get out of my face!'" There's a pause. "Except I probably don't sound that cool in reality, y'know."

He's rambling. 

Why did Nico fall in love with him? Love is stupid. Feelings are stupid. Everything is stupid, Percy Jackson most of all. He imagines, sometimes, what it would be like to kiss him, soft, gentle, and then more firm, the two of them pressed together.

Feelings, Nico would like to reiterate, are STUPID.

"... also, uh, could you say something? Like, a noise? 'Cause I feel really stupid just talking to a bathroom door. Unless there's no one there, in which case I really have been talking to a bathroom this whole time. I spilled all my feelings to you, bathroom, please forget this whole thing."

And it's so ridiculous and stupid and _Percy_ that Nico laughs, a little bit of warmth bubbling up his lungs, soothing the places his breath had burned.

"Oh, hey!" He can hear the smile in Percy's voice. It does stupid things to his heart. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

(he doesn't want to die quite as much.)

Stupid. Stupid like his smile and lame jokes, stupid like Leo in general and Jason's pink _Have a Nice Day_ cookies, stupid like Piper always asking to braid his hair.

(stupid, but warm.)

* * *

They don't mention the way he ran out yesterday, but Leo buys him a cookie ("Bro," Jason says, "you're broke.") and Piper keeps smiling at him, whenever they meet eyes, and Jason just kind of pats him on the back on launches into conversation.

(and maybe, maybe, it's not terrible.)

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: no idea what a letterman jacket is
> 
> further disclaimer: have never watched anime and have no idea what I'm talking about
> 
> tumblr is silence-and-tears come talk to me please I crave love
> 
> also this was going to be a one shot but the draft's only going to stay saved another five ish days so I'm probably going to write it in parts and throw it all together later. ALSO this is completely unedited and terrible help
> 
> kudos and comments appreciated, thank you for reading friendos!!! <333


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